“How Are You Going to Reconcile With Your Religion?”
Humans of Medicine #11
This is the second article of a three-part series on Dr Kamilla Kamaruddin. Read the first article at https://www.malaysianmedics.org/blog/humans-of-medicine-10.
“I was six years old in an all-boys kindergarten. We were preparing for the end-of-year concert when we were asked, “Who would like to be a girl?” and I raised my hand. That was the most natural thing that came to me. After all, I was always playing with dolls since I was young. I was never into the rough outdoor games; be it football or rugby. Those games seemed Greek to me. In fact, I used to wear my sister’s clothes in secret. All along I knew I was not a boy deep down, but it took me years to come out to my family.
I suffered in silence during all my teenage years in school, being verbally abused for being feminine. I had no one to confide to, and I did not even have a role model or inspiration to look up to. In those days, no one was courageous enough to be upfront about their identities. Even if they were, it was not reported in mainstream media, so I would not have known about them.
All I could do to console myself was by reminding myself to work hard so that one day I will be better off than them. I was afraid if I revealed my truth to my family, they would stop loving me. They would never want to see me anymore. I could not afford to lose my family too, having suffered all the bullying in school. I would have been shattered if that happened. But I was wrong, wrong all along! Perhaps if I opened up to them earlier, I would not have gone through the dark days all by myself because they have now accepted me as I am.
I vividly remember, one day I mustered the courage to come out to my family:
“I knew it all along, you were always wearing my clothes.” My sister’s response surprised me knowing that they knew all along.
“How are you going to reconcile with your religion?” My parents, regardless of how religious they were, accepted me and embraced my identity. Their only concern was how I would embrace both myself and my beliefs.
I thought to myself, Islamic authorities in Pakistan and Iran have embraced trans people, but the Islamic authorities in Malaysia are from a different ideology. Perhaps it is more of an opinion than the religion itself. Me embracing my identity has never affected my beliefs in my religion. After all, I am being true to myself. In fact, I used to, and I am still, upholding the Tenets of Islam.
I felt secure in my family, but that did not stop my mental health from deteriorating every single time I stepped out of my house. My family could not shield me all the time; it was understandable. My insecurities kept building up as I was aware that transgenders were rarely reported to be successful in life, much less get into university. That was when things took a better turn in my life. After finishing my matriculation programme in a local university, I was offered a place to study medicine in Belgium. I spent seven years studying in Belgium, which did give me some relief from my insecurities.
Then, I came back to Malaysia to do my housemanship – back to square one. My mental health started deteriorating again; this time even worse because I had to deal with the pressure of being a houseman on top of concerns associated with my identity. Worse still, there was not a lot of consideration put into mental health especially for healthcare professionals.
All those issues loomed over me. “I need to leave this place as soon as possible,” I kept thinking. At that point, my stress levels went through the roof, and my depression was taking over my life. It was overwhelming. Fortunately, I was offered a job in the NHS. My experiences left me with no choice but to accept the offer to join the NHS in the UK, and I took that opportunity.”
Dr Kamilla Kamaruddin is a proud transwoman working as a General Practitioner with the National Health Service in the UK. She has won multiple awards for her exemplary service, including the Royal College of General Practitioners' Inspire Award 2019, and was a finalist in the GP of the Year Pulse Magazine 2018.
(Interviewed by Dr Darien Liew and Repe Charanjit Singh. Written by Repe Charanjit Singh. Consent has been obtained from the interviewee for the purpose of this publication. The author has rewritten the article with permission from the interviewee.)
Humans of Medicine is a new initiative under MMI. We tell inspiring stories behind portrait shots of our everyday unsung heroes. Curated by Malaysian medical students from home and abroad.
If you have a story you would like to share, please reach out to us at admin@malaysianmedics.org.
About the Author
Repe Sidhu is a 3rd year medical student in Barts and the London School of Medicine and Dentistry. She loves reading books and travelling.
