“There Was No More Hiding Behind the Closet”
Humans of Medicine #12
This is the third article of a three-part series on Dr Kamilla Kamaruddin. Read the first article at https://malaysianmedics.org/blog/humans-of-medicine-10.
My time in the NHS did not start out well. I initially underwent training as a radiologist, but my deteriorating mental health affected me so badly that I could not complete the Royal College of Radiologists’ professional exams. So, I decided to retrain as a General Practitioner (GP). It was a long journey, but it helped me discover myself better in the process.
Once I was more at ease with myself, I started to explore and seek advice to transition my gender. At first, I was a little hesitant to proceed with definitive treatment in the form of hormones and surgery, partly because people weren’t as progressive and accepting as they are now, even in the UK. A GP colleague of mine was outed by his patient for being a transgender; it was reported negatively on the front page of the newspaper, and he subsequently had to leave General Practice. I didn’t want to go through that. I realised that I had to take things slowly as I had a mortgage to pay, and I couldn’t afford to lose my job.
I expected a lot of negative social repercussions after transitioning, and it took a long time for me to get the financial security I needed to prepare myself for the worst. Once confident, I announced my decision to transition to my colleagues. They were very accepting of me, and I was truly touched when they applauded and welcomed my decision.
They only had one concern: “What will we tell the patients?”
I didn’t want to burden them, so I told them that I would tell the patients myself of my new identity.
On the first day of work after my transition, I went to my workplace wearing bright red lipstick, feeling as free as a bird. I could finally be myself; there was no more hiding behind the closet. However, deep within, I had a fear that my patients would treat me differently as they might not agree with my new identity due to prejudice and ignorance. Many of them came from conservative backgrounds who probably had objections based on their religious ideology.
Surprisingly, my patients were adorable; some thought I was a new female locum GP, few male patients were flirting with me, and almost all were happy for me when they got to know I was the same person. They even brought me cards and little presents and congratulated me. Patients who previously didn’t let me examine them were now not only comfortable with me, they even allowed me to perform intimate examinations on them too and refused my offer of a chaperone. It felt so good to be accepted as I am because as a doctor, the approval from my patients was necessary to ensure that the trust and relationship with them were maintained.
I felt I was privileged to lead a better life now and I wanted to do more. I decided to voice out my experience as a transgender GP by publishing an article which was well-received by the Royal College of General Practitioners (RCGP). It started the ball rolling and I was invited to several events to give talks on transgender awareness. I realised people were starting to be more accepting and welcoming towards the trans community. In fact, I was awarded the RCGP Inspiration Award 2019. I was chuffed and felt privileged to know that the RCGP embraced my achievement regardless of my identity, and it was truly a proud moment for me. I was also shortlisted for GP of the Year Pulse Magazine 2018.
Having received so much positive recognition, I thought to myself, “Society has accepted me as transgender, but why are there many transgenders out there who are still not accepted by society?” Is it because transgenders are usually portrayed to work in the entertainment industry and sex work instead of a more professional career? Perhaps the answer is YES. The media has painted us with stereotypes and sexual objectification. Stigma and shame have deprived us of the support we need, and our community has no access to higher education in Malaysia and little access to health care. Many trans people have to resort to means of income in the entertainment and fashion industry, lowly paid jobs and sex work.
Looking back, my journey has not been an easy one. It was like driving on a winding road: I had to be careful throughout, slow down when I reach sharp bends, and use the headlamps when it’s dark. Most importantly, I keep driving. I had bouts of depression, low self-esteem, and bad coping mechanisms. I’m happy to say I am now being true to myself and managed to reach a place of security where I feel comfortable to make significant contributions to the trans community.
An area of concern that I have is that trans health is not accessible in Malaysia. Some resort to self-administration of hormone treatment with drugs purchased from online sources or the black market. These medications are not regulated; many have suffered undesirable side-effects like organ failure, and many have died. While the UK is currently my home, I hope that one day, I will be able to return to Malaysia and set up the country’s first trans clinic. I want to provide a means for trans people to access proper care, guidance, and treatment. It is what our society needs.
Our community deserves much more. Their desire for self-expression, in particular, mirrors my own from those days I spent in the closet. It took me almost my adult life, but I am out and free now, and I want others to achieve the same freedom to be able to choose their identity. It will be another difficult journey to promote change, but I am determined. My question to the medical community is: what can you do more to help trans people and what would you change tomorrow to improve health care for trans people?
Dr Kamilla Kamaruddin is a proud transwoman working as a General Practitioner with the National Health Service in the UK. She has won multiple awards for her exemplary service, including the Royal College of General Practitioners' Inspire Award 2019, and was a finalist in the GP of the Year Pulse Magazine 2018.
(Interviewed by Dr Darien Liew and Repe Charanjit Singh. Written by Repe Charanjit Singh. Consent has been obtained from the interviewee for the purpose of this publication. The author has rewritten the article with permission from the interviewee.)
Humans of Medicine is a new initiative under MMI. We tell inspiring stories behind portrait shots of our everyday unsung heroes. Curated by Malaysian medical students from home and abroad.
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About the Author
Repe Sidhu is a 3rd year medical student in Barts and the London School of Medicine and Dentistry. She loves reading books and travelling.
