“It Didn’t Occur to Me the Need to Tell People About My Sexuality Until…”
Humans of Medicine #17
Self-acceptance has always been an issue I grappled with, and I believe it is of good reason. Hailing from a Chinese primary school, academics is one of — if not the most glorified — aspect in the Asian context. I was the antithesis of the ideal Asian student: the boy in the last class with a weak grasp of the Chinese language. I’ve always thought I was too stupid to even have friends. Who would want to be associated with me? I was the kid who sat alone in class, too afraid to even ask the teacher for permission to go to the bathroom. I just couldn’t help feeling invisible.
My struggles in academics were a contributing factor to my depreciating self-worth, but I suppose the main issue was my own inability to see past my own failures at that time. I couldn’t picture myself as someone capable of anything, and I believed I would always be a failure. Somehow, after switching to an English school, I was able to catch up on my studies, and miraculously, I got the highest in class.
It occurred to me that maybe, I wasn’t stupid. Yet, I didn’t want people to think that this boy just got lucky. So, I worked hard and consistently got top grades. I wasn’t worried about being stupid ever again. Almost in tandem, my social circle expanded as well. It’s sad yet comforting that the people who once viewed me as a nobody actually wanted to be friends with me — now that they know I’m actually not stupid. However, I was still afraid of doing things that would jeopardise my brand-new image.
As someone who just broke out of his shell, the last thing I wanted to do is to be the odd one out and fall back to square one. So, I tried to fit in by doing things that my friends did. I paid attention to my looks and analysed what was trendy among my peers. When they started liking girls, I just followed suit. I must say I did well blending in, but the truth was I never understood what it meant to like someone. That was until I met him.
Surprisingly, I wasn't shocked at my newfound sexual preference. I didn’t experience the typical emotions of self-loathing. Instead, I found myself feeling grateful for an opportunity to be more open-minded, now that I identify with the LGBT community. I now fully empathize with their fear of rejection and discrimination that I only heard of before identifying as gay. Yet, it didn’t occur to me the need to tell people about my sexuality. I wasn’t going to shatter this ‘ideal’ image that I so painstakingly carved over the years.
It wasn’t until my best friend came out as bisexual that I got inspired. I was struck by how cool and accepting she was about herself, and how she was able to ignore the opinions of others. She seemed like an accepting person, and she was the first person I opened up to.
Come to think of it, if my friend hadn’t stood up for her own sexuality, or if I had opened up to an unaccepting person, I would be hiding in the closet forever. Her confidence and encouragement have emboldened me. I still won’t go up to newly met acquaintances to openly announce that I’m gay, but I am more open to telling people now. Fortunately, everyone who I told about my true self was pretty accepting. It was because of these open-minded people that I have been brought to my current level of self-acceptance. I believe I have come a long way from a shy boy with low self-esteem to a medical student who sees life in a different light now.
I would like to think my family would be understanding, but I’m still hesitant. A part of me is afraid that I would lose my family, and I can’t risk losing the people I really love. Even if I do, what would people think of my family and me? The queer community is still not well received by Malaysians — we even have laws that persecute us. However, I’m still fortunate enough to be in a century where people are beginning to be more accepting.
To anyone out there struggling with self-confidence or your newfound sexuality: don’t worry about what other people may think of you. It will take time to be more accepting of yourself. I wouldn’t recommend forcing yourself to open up to others when you don’t want to. But when you’re ready, by all means, go for it, there are people who will accept and love you for who you are.
Consent has been obtained from the interviewee for the purpose of this publication. The author has rewritten the article with permission from the interviewee.
Humans of Medicine is a new initiative under MMI. We tell inspiring stories behind portrait shots of our everyday unsung heroes. Curated by Malaysian medical students from home and abroad.
If you have a story you would like to share, please reach out to us at admin@malaysianmedics.org.
About the author
Jen Sze is a second year medical student from Monash University Malaysia. She’s a proud Penangite with a penchant for expressing her innermost thoughts and feelings through poetry.
