“ If You Hear About a HO Killing Himself, It Might Be Me.”

Humans of Medicine #24

Trigger warning: The following article contains elements of depression and suicidal thoughts which some may find disturbing. 

This publication is in conjunction with MMI Cure the Culture 2.0 Project. Information regarding the project can be found at @mmi_social and @mmicuretheculture on Instagram or our page HERE.

I continued working as a HO. 

One day, I was called for a meeting with my HO supervisor and the Head of Department (HOD). I remembered very clearly these words, ‘housemanship is very difficult, and some people are just not meant to be doctors’, during the meeting. I was dumbfounded. Not only did they not show any support, but they also insinuated that I was unfit to be a HO. My mental illness was brushed off, and I was branded weak. I felt discouraged and denied justice. Anger welled up inside of me. However, I kept telling myself that everyone is the same, and these people are just the minority. 

I moved on with the following postings despite the pain. Maybe I should have taken a break, but I did not want to be constantly absent from work. 

Fast forward to the Orthopaedics Rehab team, one notorious for being swamped with patients and paperwork. On my first day, I arrived early in the wards preparation. While reviewing the patients, one of the nurses came up to me and asked, “Why are you late?” Overshadowing my surprise was fear and panic. It was 4.30am. I couldn’t understand what she meant. I continued reviewing the patients and headed to another ward. But I froze. I lost control of my body. My feet were glued to the ground. I did not know what to do. I was unfamiliar with the system, there was no help or any seniors available. Suicidal thoughts resurfaced, and I was tempted to jump off the building from the fourth floor, but I stopped myself and ran to ED. This time, I was refused admission. 

Moving on to the Obstetrics & Gynaecology (O&G) rotation, I informed the HO supervisor early in the posting about my mental illness but he showed no interest or concern. Every day, I continued working to the best of my ability. One day, I was feeling extremely unwell. Negative thoughts invaded my mind and my body refused to work. I texted the HO supervisor to let him know that I would like to take a day’s leave. 

Instead of comforting words, I was told that I should resign. 

It was extremely disheartening. I could show you the text now, too. Thereafter, I approached my psychiatrist, who agreed to organise a meeting with the HO supervisor to discuss my mental health. After multiple delays and hiccups, intentional or not, they proceeded with the meeting. The outcome of the meeting? I am not too sure. He might have listened to her, but it was unclear whether he actually understood.

I am currently waiting for a scheduled meeting with the HOD and the Hospital Director soon. I don’t know what will happen to me. I don’t know how I will respond. If you hear about a HO killing himself, it might be me. 

Having MDD is really rough. We learn about the illness in medical schools, but it is beyond what words can describe. There are some days when I wake up exhausted despite having eight hours of sleep. There are other days when I wake up unmotivated, depressed, or suicidal. I have tried first-line, second-line, and now I am on third-line antidepressants, in addition to mood stabilisers. I underwent two cycles of electroconvulsive therapy and was physically drained each time. However, I am still experiencing these symptoms.

Yes, housemanship is difficult, but for HOs with mental illness, it gets even tougher. From my experience, our supervisors lack the wisdom to guide us. If I was the only person feeling unsupported by our supervisors, then maybe my view is biased. But I have had friends who resigned within the first few months of housemanship after years of medical school. These superiors make housemanship so much more unbearable.

If I have the chance to talk to  students aspiring to become doctors, I will tell them this: Do it only if you are really passionate about the medical profession. If you are doing it for someone else, it is not worth it. The wages are not great and you lose the quality time with your families and friends. Worse still is the lack of job prospects.

Don’t be surprised when you hear stories of HOs quitting.

About the author

Interviewed and written by Ivanna Sim. Ivanna is a final year medical student from University of New South Wales and the current Co-Chair for Malaysian Medics International for the term 2020/2021.

Consent has been obtained from the interviewee for the purpose of this publication. The author has rewritten the article with permission from the interviewee.

Humans of Medicine is a new initiative under MMI. We tell inspiring stories behind portrait shots of our everyday unsung heroes. Curated by Malaysian medical students from home and abroad.

If you have a story you would like to share, please reach out to us at admin@malaysianmedics.org.