“I’ve always wanted to be a doctor. Now that I’m not- what am I?”

Humans of Medicine #26

I had always wanted to be a doctor. My mother was a nurse, and so from a young age, I was already very familiar and comfortable in hospitals. Everyone even called me “doctor” growing up.

Hollywood tells us what a doctor should look like - tireless, self-sacrificing individuals, sleep deprived from working odd shifts, and always ready to serve. The media romanticised burnout and exhaustion. I had this image painted in my head. “It’s good to suffer. You’re suffering for a good cause.”. That was what I grew up with– service before self. I prized selflessness and was prepared to forgo my own wellbeing for someone else’s. 

I chose to pursue medicine because it called out to me that I get to help someone else, even in spite of my own wellbeing. Housemanship was a joy, and I was surrounded by good friends. Medical school, however demanding, had prepared me well. I carried on to my MO-ship at a district clinic. I had fun here as well, but I wasn’t sure what I was doing with my life. Oftentimes I would feel very unfulfilled in my career but couldn't see what it was precisely. As my medical career journey progressed, I moved closer to home and served in the anaesthesia and intensive care unit. Then, on a temporary attachment, I met a consultant intensivist and she became my idol. I witnessed her bringing patients back from the brink of death and I was amazed. I decided that I wanted to do this too. 

Still, it remained a challenge to feel completely content in my job. I felt conflicted because helping my patients gave me so much joy, but it came at the cost of my own wellbeing. 15 days a month, I was either on-call or post-call. Off days were spent recovering from grueling shifts. Life looked bleak and I couldn’t see opportunities outside of clinical medicine. Looking back, it was as if my own fear and self-doubt had sentenced me to a life of solely toil and service. 

I was moved to a new, smaller hospital. There was much less to do here compared to my previous posting. But I suddenly suffered a slipped disc, and could no longer walk as briskly. I was in a lot of pain. My doctors put me on a cocktail of medication to manage these symptoms.  When I returned from my sick leave, I requested for three months of light duty, but was devastated when my superiors told me point blank that there was no future for me in medicine. 

They asked me to leave. 

I was crushed. I had given my blood, sweat, and tears into medicine. Now I just needed some compassion, but they decided that I wasn’t worthy. Stationed at a more rural hospital that catered to a smaller population, I had thought it would be possible for my colleagues to cope with the workload and offer me a sliver of empathy while I strove to recover, but that was not the case. My superiors regarded me as a horse with a broken leg. There was no longer any use for me. This was a real heartbreaking moment.

I made a desperate leap into medical research. It was a transition from saving patients in a high pressure environment, making sure no one dies on my shift – to petri dishes and machines in a laboratory. My job simply didn’t resonate with me. I didn’t find a purpose to wake up and go to work.

I felt like being a doctor was directly linked to my identity, to who I was. So, if you took away me being a doctor, I would completely lose my identity. I did not know myself anymore. I did not know where to find the answers. 

I chanced upon Medic Footprints UK on one of my feeble attempts to find people to relate to in my situation. The founders were very generous and showed me more kindness than I had encountered in a long time. It was a shame though, that much of the organisation's focus was solely confined to the UK and it lacked local connections which would have been more relevant to me. 

And so, I founded Medic Footprints Malaysia after a tough journey of struggling to find platforms within the country that offered the support for clinically trained doctors to broaden their horizons. Through our work, we hope to see a healthcare system that prioritizes the wellbeing of healthcare professionals. I do believe we have solutions. My hopes are for us to grow as an organization until we have a seat at the table to propel its implementation. For their relentless service and sacrifice, the least our doctors deserve is our backing, be it through assisting their search for career fulfillment, mental health advocacy, and skills training. Medic Footprints Malaysia is here to improve the quality of lives of doctors through wellbeing support, career opportunities, and advancement. 

As for myself and my personal journey? Despite a complete recovery from my injury, I don’t foresee a return to clinical medicine anytime soon. As a doctor, it satisfied me to help people, one at a time. Today, I aspire to continue helping even more people through Medic Footprints Malaysia.

Dr Selina Chew is the Founder of Medic Footprints Malaysia, an organisation by doctors for doctors, here in Malaysia, with doctors' wellbeing at the centre of focus. Medic Footprints Malaysia strives to improve the quality of lives of doctors through wellbeing support and by connecting them with diverse career opportunities.

About the author

Interviewed and written by Ooi Yen Ming. Yen Ming is a first-year medical student who enjoys all conversations but takes a particular delight in the unusual. She is well-spoken, gentle, and calm— except when she’s panicking.

Consent has been obtained from the interviewee for the purpose of this publication. The author has rewritten the article with permission from the interviewee.

Humans of Medicine is a new initiative under MMI. We tell inspiring stories behind portrait shots of our everyday unsung heroes. Curated by Malaysian medical students from home and abroad.

If you have a story you would like to share, please reach out to us at admin@malaysianmedics.org.