“Loving Him Is a Leap of Faith…”
Humans of Medicine #3
“My mental health began to decline over the years in secondary school, when I was 14 or 15 years old. I would experience frequent panic attacks – in the morning, between classes – and this lasted all the way to college. Studying abroad worsened this because the distance meant I lost my support system of family back home. My issues became deeper than anything I could handle on my own; that was why I wanted professional help. My two sessions so far haven’t brought any big leaps in improvement, but they have really put things into perspective. I view things in a more positive light now.
Amid moving to a new country, starting university, adapting to living on my own – that was when I met him. Needless to say, my mental health wasn’t at its peak and dating him took a lot of blind trust. We didn’t have a fairy tale beginning either – he had just ended things with another girl and was unsure about committing to me. I honestly didn’t expect the relationship to go anywhere. But the more time we spent together, the stronger the feelings grew. So I decided to give it a chance. I do see a potential future with him, you know? I really am very comfortable around him.
The first major hurdle came when we both returned to Malaysia for the holidays. Living in different states, we went from seeing each other daily to being unable to do the simplest things like hold hands. It was a big transition and back then, the relationship was still relatively new. I started seeing two versions of him in my head – the loving boyfriend I know he is, and the person in my past who hurt me with his flippant and cold behaviour. The overthinking was so severe that my panic attacks returned. I distanced myself, and the relationship became so tense that we barely spoke for a few days. That was the tipping point that made me realise the only way to put my mind to rest was for us to talk it through, together.
I initially avoided bringing it up because I didn’t want him to feel bad for what happened. But I also knew that if we didn’t talk, my anxiety would never allow me to get over the past. It was a difficult discussion – this was how you made me feel, can you explain why you acted this way – but very necessary. I needed to understand the story from his end to move on. Opening up about how you feel is always necessary.
Currently, when I struggle with a bad day, he’s always there to listen. Just knowing that I have someone to talk to when I need it is enough. He is my best friend, above anything else. Loving him is a leap of faith; I sometimes wonder if it is worth it. Only time will tell, but it was a leap I knew I had to risk taking.”
(Consent has been obtained from the interviewee for the purpose of this publication. The author has rewritten the article with permission from the interviewee.)
Humans of Medicine is a new initiative under MMI. We tell inspiring stories behind portrait shots of our everyday unsung heroes. Curated by Malaysian medical students from home and abroad.
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About the Author
Hong Jingqi is a first year medical student from University College Dublin who plays the piano and bakes in her free time when she's not missing the warm weather in Malaysia.