“…Because Who Believes a Young Boy When He Says He Feels Empty?”
Humans of Medicine #4
“Depression for me had always been intermittent episodes. My earliest memory of feeling off was at age 12. My school had just put on a play and what initially started off as being ‘post-performance blues’ soon sent my mental health derailing. I couldn’t bring myself to feel anything and lost complete interest in my usual activities.
Back then I never sought any professional help. Nobody took me seriously, because who believes a young boy when he says he feels empty? What is depression when you’re barely a teen? My behaviour was swept off as me acting out, as me being childish. Furthermore, my mother was a doctor, and it was assumed that everything would be fine since I was under her care. Thankfully, my family acknowledges and accepts my depression now; but as a mere kid, it was exceedingly difficult to handle alone.
I had two serious relationships in my teen years; both girlfriends cheated on me, triggering me into months of bleak emptiness and sleepless nights. These early experiences with girls eventually contributed to the lack of commitment and distrust I manifested in my later romantic relationships.
I had just ended yet another relationship when I met her. Our chemistry was blatant, but my post-breakup self was a bundle of disordered emotions, and that got in the way of the early stages of our relationship. It took me a while to realise that she was something special and for me to be sure that I wanted all in. However, the time it took me to make up my mind had its consequences on her well-being. She had to bluntly tell me she was still hurting from long ago, and ask for closure on my previous actions. Honestly, I foresaw the confrontation happening. What I didn’t expect was for it to have such an effect on me. And as uncomfortable as that talk was, I’m glad we had it as it relieved tension and cleared the air. I’m open to having more talks if similar issues crop up in the future.
See, I alternated between showering her with affection and isolating myself out of nowhere when my feelings flatlined. It must have been confusing for her, not to mention extremely hurtful. I know I can never undo the emotional scars I left behind but I spend every day trying to make up for what I did. Even more so, I learnt a valuable lesson – that struggling with your own mental health isn’t a reason to disregard someone else’s.
Dating someone who struggles with mental health can be tricky. But having her around has been an immense help to me. On my bad days, she is patient, and kind, and most importantly, forgiving. I no longer feel like there’s a draining battery inside of me, or that I need to consciously expend energy when socialising. I don’t dread spending time with friends anymore. Of course, I still need personal space from everyone. That’s different with her though – with her I just feel at home.”
(Consent has been obtained from the interviewee for the purpose of this publication. The author has rewritten the article with permission from the interviewee.)
Humans of Medicine is a new initiative under MMI. We tell inspiring stories behind portrait shots of our everyday unsung heroes. Curated by Malaysian medical students from home and abroad.
If you have a story you would like to share, please reach out to us at admin@malaysianmedics.org
About the author
Hong Jingqi is a first year medical student from University College Dublin who plays the piano and bakes in her free time when she's not missing the warm weather in Malaysia.
