“...the people who were meant to help me are the very people who contributed to my burnout.”
Humans of Medicine #30
Trigger warning: The following article contains elements of depression and suicidal thoughts which some may find disturbing.
This publication is in conjunction with MMI’s Healing the Healer Campaign. Information regarding the project can be found at @mmi_social on Instagram and on our website.
I am a contract medical officer in the emergency department (ED) of a major government hospital. One year into my current rotation, I started to develop physician burnout. The burnout crept on insidiously. I felt exhausted despite getting enough sleep and had no motivation to do my best at work, which was strange for someone who doesn’t mind being busy with patients. I began to feel frustrated with my workload and became stressed out over minute mistakes. Apathy and dissociation towards work started seeping in.
I only recognised these as symptoms of burnout when I realised that I wasn’t showing my ‘best form’ at work anymore. Instead, I was just performing adequately - doing the minimum compromising patient care. Because of that, my colleagues and superiors did not notice my struggles.
The COVID-19 pandemic led to more rules for infection control being implemented, many of which complicate patient management. We deal with a lot of unnecessary administrative tasks and often get scolded when we fail to achieve these adequately. The lack of empathy from our superiors and being an underpaid contract medical officer with an uncertain future further aggravated my burnout. My long term plan to practise family medicine began to look bleak as I seemed to be ‘stuck’ in the ED. I was overwhelmed with pressure and despair.
Unfortunately, the people who were meant to help me are the very people who contributed to my burnout. These are my superiors who often cannot relate and fail to empathize with us doctors on the ED floor l. I don’t discredit the work they have done in the past to deserve their positions, but they could be more accommodating to us medical officers in the way they run the system. I don’t feel like getting help from them because I know that they have partially contributed to my problem.
There has been minimal improvement in my condition. I know that I am underperforming and can do much better in my work. What gets me through this is reminding myself that my work serves the people, and I generally feel better when I think of my patients. I also have a small group of friends in the medical profession that keep me going, as we are all in the same environment together. I also recently completed a district posting - this has been a much-needed one month break to reflect and work with a more friendly and encouraging group of people. This helped to reorientate my perspective towards work and definitely improved my mental health.
My advice to other colleagues going through a similar situation is this - if you are burnt out, don’t keep your emotions to yourself! Vent your anger and frustration to understanding colleagues. If your mental and/or physical health starts to be affected, get professional help! Don’t be like me - I wish I could be honest with the people who have contributed to my burnout, and hope that they could be more empathetic and understanding.
About the author
Interviewed and written by Jerry Tan. Jerry is an intercalating medical student at Newcastle University with a keen interest in mental health and medical research. When he’s not out running or taking pictures, he can often be found curled up on the sofa with a good book and a fresh cup of coffee.
Consent has been obtained from the interviewee for the purpose of this publication. The author has rewritten the article with permission from the interviewee.
Humans of Medicine is a new initiative under MMI. We tell inspiring stories behind portrait shots of our everyday unsung heroes. Curated by Malaysian medical students from home and abroad.
If you have a story you would like to share, please reach out to us at admin@malaysianmedics.org.
