“...it is up to us to break the taboo.”
Humans of Medicine #34
This publication is in conjunction with MMI’s Healing the Healer Campaign. Information regarding the project can be found at @mmi_social on Instagram and on our website.
I started out great with aspirations to become a good doctor and was offered a scholarship to read medicine in China. Life, in simple terms, wasn’t going too badly. Who would have known I would also fall victim to depression?
Somewhere along the line, I lost grip on both my studies and my part time job. I crumpled under pressure and was immensely stressed out, yet I felt so alone; I thought no one would notice. Even if people did notice, how or where would I begin to voice out my problems? One of my church members who happened to be a licensed therapist noticed my deterioration and offered me help. I was intrigued - how did she notice? And was I to open up to an acquaintance I barely knew? Then again, it had always been a struggle for me to open up to familiar people, so I gave this newfound friend a chance.
For my first session, I was given a big box of sand with a bunch of models, and was told to arrange the pieces to portray my aspirations, my current issues and expectations. The nurse somehow interpreted it accurately, as if I had subconsciously voiced out my innermost thoughts that I even myself struggled to comprehend. The next few sessions were more of her guiding me on how to express myself in a healthy manner. She didn’t give me solutions - only listened attentively and was genuinely interested in my concerns. She asked to trigger a thought process, which helped me so much that one week after each session I would have the answers to my problems already. The world no longer seemed bleak and I could finally feel normal again. If it wasn’t for her, I wouldn’t have walked out of depression.
As I progressed on to my clinical years, I finally entered the psychiatry rotation where I saw from a third person view of what I went through. How prevalent mental issues are , and yet swept under the rug. Had I known back then that many are out there suffering from the same condition I did years ago, maybe I wouldn’t have felt so alone. According to the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM), everyone has the symptoms of depression or anxiety. It’s just based on the severity of one’s symptoms. This means anyone can easily tip over the edge at any time.
It was in graduate school where I met my first patient. A child, the epitome of dishonour in Asian culture. He scratched himself and threw fits when angry, and his parents told me they were ashamed of having such a son. But what I saw instead was a naive boy, probably a little more active than kids his age, yet nevertheless a child in need. Kids don’t understand their feelings, and they may lash out in ways that are peculiar to adults. I tried introducing him to an institute to help the child manage his stress and temper, but his parents refused, afraid that relatives may view their family in a more negative light than they already did.
With all these experiences I have gone through, I want to be more than just a psychiatrist, more than just a doctor that diagnoses mental illnesses and dispenses medication. I want to be a listening ear to my patients, to be a mental health advocate. I’m fortunate enough to be in a team of people who are strong proponents in the mental health scene. Aside from writing a thesis on internet addiction alongside my mentor Professor Wu, and how depression or anxiety affects cancer patients, our team also visits villages in China for mental health awareness campaigns, in hopes to quell the stigma surrounding mental health.
It hasn’t been an easy journey. My own friends with mental health issues refuse to seek help and shy away from me once they know I’m in psychiatry. Others sneer at my career choice, saying that I take care of ‘crazy people’ and wonder why I would associate myself with the ‘problematic’. Yet I believe that if I choose to remain quiet about mental health issues because it’s a taboo, the ones suffering will have to do so in silence. Anyone could be vulnerable to mental health issues, and it is up to us to break the taboo.
About the author
Interviewed and written by Ong Jen Sze. Jen Sze is a 3rd-year medical student from Monash University Malaysia. She's a proud Penangite with a penchant for expressing her innermost thoughts and feelings through poetry.
Consent has been obtained from the interviewee for the purpose of this publication. The author has rewritten the article with permission from the interviewee.
Humans of Medicine is a new initiative under MMI. We tell inspiring stories behind portrait shots of our everyday unsung heroes. Curated by Malaysian medical students from home and abroad.
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