“I Often Thought It Would Be Nice to Die Before Exams…”
Humans of Medicine #5
“My uncle was the first gastroenterologist in Malaysia. Naturally, my family regarded medicine as a noble profession that would guarantee financial freedom, hence every child in the family was forced to pursue it. This was stressful as I never wanted to be a doctor and the stress was compounded by my father’s beliefs that failing to get into medicine in University of Malaya (UM) meant you were stupid and that non-specialist medical practitioners were on par with college dropouts.
I opted for the notoriously difficult STPM as this was the only pathway to a local university. The catch was only 10% of the places in UM were allocated for Indians. Fear that I wouldn’t get the required results led to major depression and anxiety. I often thought it would be nice to die before exams so that people would say ‘she would have done well if she lived’. My parents were concerned about my well-being, but they couldn’t see that the stress was coming from them. They thought it was all in my head. When I was filling out the application forms, there were 5 slots but my father insisted I only fill in two options – UM and UKM. Fortunately, I did well and was offered a place in UM.
My fear of talking to people manifested itself as near panic attacks during clinical years. I would stand outside wards fighting the attacks, but I pushed myself to clerk one patient every day and learned to cope. I passed medical school with good results but things didn’t get better, even after passing my paediatric membership exams. I dreaded work and experienced panic, tachycardia, and nausea every day; but my job performance was great so no one noticed anything. I tried expressing my true feelings to my mom but she kept emphasizing that medicine was a good career and it would be OK. Journaling was my only emotional outlet. I never considered reaching out for help.
I finally sought counselling when my relationship with my ex-husband deteriorated. I was working in Singapore then, and with no close friends or family members nearby, I needed someone to talk to. Seeking counselling was the best decision I’ve ever made. It was a long process, but it helped me work through many issues that were deeply affecting me.
Eventually, I mustered the courage to leave paediatrics and become a lecturer, despite knowing that I would disappoint my father. I love my present job in academia and going to work is no longer a terrifying ordeal. My parents have also accepted my decision, which I am thankful for.
Looking back, I realise that everything I went through got me to where I am today; and when people come to me with problems, my experiences help me understand them better. One lesson I’ve learned was that instead of resenting my younger self for not being stronger and standing up for myself, I should be grateful to her for being what I needed to be to survive the environment I was in; but now she can rest because I’m taking over.
(Consent has been obtained from the interviewee for the purpose of this publication. The author has rewritten the article with permission from the interviewee.)
Humans of Medicine is a new initiative under MMI. We tell inspiring stories behind portrait shots of our everyday unsung heroes. Curated by Malaysian medical students from home and abroad.
If you have a story you would like to share, please reach out to us at admin@malaysianmedics.org
About the Author
Jen Sze is a 2nd year medical student from Monash University Malaysia. She's a proud Penangite with a penchant for expressing her innermost thoughts and feelings through poetry.
